Now I’m not talking about the kind where your suppose to save the world because your a super genius and you know your going to discover how to repair the ozone. I’m simply talking about having this gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach, this thing that you just know, whereby you are suppose to do something meaningful and important with your life. I have felt this way ever since I can remember.
I have always said I know I am meant to do something I just don’t know what it is. Every year passed by and every year I got older and nothing happened and I never did anything special or meaningful, at least not by my standards and I began to feel as though I were going to die without ever doing anything with my life that meant anything. Sure I raised a great kid, I have a great husband but I am not fulfilled in my work. I am not utilizing my degree and my job is making me unhappy, sick even and a change needed to happen.
Fear is an evil emotion. It can consume you and build walls around you so you are unable to move. It can punch you in the gut so hard you want to throw up sometimes and it can keep you from doing what you really want to do with your life because it tells you your not good enough. Fear was saying that to me.
I developed Celiac Disease a year and half ago after I visited an acupuncturist to help alleviate the pain I was having in a bulging disc in my lower back. She didn’t help the pain in my back and after the fifth session I walked, or could barely walk out of there because my knees and everything else in my body started to hurt so bad. I went to my bone specialist who I had been seeing for my back and she ran tests and took blood and later informed me I had severe osteoarthritis due to celiac disease. It could have been the stress of my job or it could have been the acupuncturist or maybe a combination of both but whatever it was, it was a wake up call for me to make a change in my life or I would be developing something much worse and I was determined to not let that happen.
I come from a long line of dysfunction and it has always been my safe zone. People with problems are my people. I have no fear with them and the need to help is something I have always wanted to do. When I found out I was sick that was my que and my degrees in social work and psychology were finally going to be of use.
I had been picking the brain of every one I knew who worked in the mental health field for months and after a year I was finally in a position with my company where I could begin looking for a position. My buddy fear was telling me I would never be hired without any experience and it would take forever and of course I listened to him. He wouldn’t steer me wrong, he was looking out for my best interest after all. I had an acquaintance tell me to send her my resume’ and she would pass it along to her supervisor because they were always looking for people so I did. Never thinking I would ever get an interview, again without any experience whatsoever. Gotta love fear. Needless to say, not only did I get the interview but I got the job and it is what I am suppose to do with my life. It sounds corny to say it. When you find your purpose it is so bizarre and amazing all at the same time.
I haven’t been truly happy in such a long time I can’t even remember what happy is suppose to look or feel like. It has been so long since everything in my life was right where I knew it was suppose to be. Sure I still have bills and the weather still sucks and I still have to deal with my disease everyday but its manageable and I know if it weren’t for getting sick I don’t believe I would have survived.